Light’s No-Contact Essay

NEW TO No Contact?

C’mere, I wanna tell ya somethin’…

I’ve been No Contact with my entire family for over 3 years now. Something that goes through my mind a lot is about the women just starting out No Contact, and how they, like me, have no clue how much more than they ever dreamed is about to happen for them, because they’re focused (appropriately) on the losses they’re adjusting to.

When I started No Contact, it was all about the adjustment to it. There was a hole – an emptiness, like when people die. At the time, the losses loomed large – my mother, both sisters, my best friend and my partner all took off – or were cast from – my life at around the same time. MY WHOLE WORLD. Every single one of them was not good for me. Nevertheless, losing every person significant to you at once is no small loss. It was as if they’d all gone down in a plane crash together, each having sent cutting last-minute cell phone messages in unanimous agreement that I was the only one to blame for the accident and should fry for it. Not for the faint of heart.

I just figured, okay, I have to adjust, and that’s all this is about. No-one can hurt me like that again, and starting now, that’s my reward for refusing to initiate, reconnect, etc. Well, that really wasn’t my real reward for no contact. That was just a little thing, actually. I thought, “Well, my Narcissistic Mother can never use me again”, for instance. And that was true, but that wasn’t why I was going through this painful process. In time, I saw it was WAY, WAY beyond that.

If you’re just starting No Contact, you should know that not only does it get easier, but if you stick with it, you will begin awakening to a whole new world – one where you will be more than you ever thought you could be. It’s like a kind of Alice-In-Wonderland backwards world, Narcissistic Mother’s world. Most of the rest of the world is frontwards. It takes time for your psyche to adjust. Be patient. There are HUGE, HUGE benefits that take a little time to grow.

It’s kind of like being raised in a dark attic, where Narcissistic Mother is the only source of light, like a flashlight, and if something is not important to her, she won’t shine on it. If something is, she does – way too much. And when you’re the target, she points at your eyes and blinds you. So instead of being in the dark attic and turning on a nice general overhead light so everyone can see everything and look at whatever they choose, all anyone can see is what’s important in HER world, and HER choices and her world are warped by NPD. There’s a lot of guessing and fear, mistakes and confusion. No-one can ever see properly for themselves.

You should have been able to see the world around you. You should have been able to see – really well – who you were. You should have been able to see the unfairness, the lies, the tricks, etc – but the flashlight never pointed on those things. It only pointed at mistakes and grudges and manipulations and lack of choices and your supposed inferiority, and…and…

Going No Contact is like leaving the attic and allowing other sources of light to reach your eyes. At first, it will hurt, because it’s so weird to be seeing everything, and the light is so bright. It’s disorienting. It will take time for your eyes to adjust, and it will feel foreign – even lonely. Your old framework is falling apart, and other people, other things, other perspectives will start to filter in.

Yes, it will feel for a while like there’s a void. ACCEPT the void. It’s the first stepping stone to the life you always dreamed of. It’s temporary. That void is like the void that’s created when a piece of land with a condemned old house is on it, and you buy it. First, wreckers come in and knock down the old house. You’re so used to that old house being there that every day when you pull up, it will look funny – empty and strange. Really foreign.

But over time, your new house will emerge. A new foundation will be dug by your psyche’s internal diggers. Then the concrete truck – your faith – will appear. Framers (your new thoughts) will show up and build the walls. Those will be sheathed and insulated by your new commitment to nurture yourself. You keep going, and the roofing and siding start. Those are your new healthy boundaries. Then the doors and windows go in – big bright ones that keep the cold out and the warmth in. This is your new discernment about who is worthy of your time and your gifts. Electricians (your new ability to make things easier for yourself) arrive and rough in all the wiring. Plumbers – self-care – appear and set the drains and supply lines so you can keep yourself and your home free of the dirt that swirls around you. Sheetrockers come in and turn the studs into walls and ceilings, affirming your decision to have a true home, and healthy boundaries with those you let in. Flooring is laid – you are supporting yourself. Plumbing and electrical fixtures are finally put in place so you can see and take care of yourself. Locks and knobs are installed, preventing people with the wrong intentions from disrupting your serenity.

There does come a day when it stops feeling like an empty lot. Then it starts to feel like the shell of something. Then there comes a day when it looks like a wooden box. Then a house, but unfinished. Then finally a home.

It takes time for these things to happen, but they’re impossible to achieve without NC. There’s something about that break that opens the gates.

I have been No Contact for over 3 years. I would not trade the gifts I’ve received in just that 3 years gifts for 20 years of life. Not only do things keep growing and growing, there are unbelievable changes I could only have dreamed about. And they keep coming!!! My life is changing so dramatically, I can’t begin to tell you. I’ve had HUGE breakthroughs personally, one after the other, and many in places I never ever would have expected. To anyone considering or beginning No Contact – all I can say is, IT IS BEYOND WORTH IT. Wade through the rough patches and stick with it. The benefits are unfathomable. Things I’d long been banging my head against the wall about have vaporized. It’s been one stunning three years. And it happens gradually, with big chunks of insanely effortless progress thrown in now and again. I feel like all my life’s mysteries are getting solved. I am MUCH stronger.

I knew No Contact would be a relief, but I didn’t know it would turn me into a whole different person, and one I like TONS better than I ever liked the pushover I used to be – I’m rapidly becoming the REAL me – the ORIGINAL me. This is going to sound weird, but it’s kind of like in a lot of ways, people’s thoughts can’t hurt me anymore. That’s the best I can describe it. I do what I want and what I feel is right, and I no longer value externals like approval and criticism very much. Following my heart is first, and everything and everyone else is second. (I have no children).

For me, No Contact has felt like biting the bullet to get a little relief from one thing and getting that, AND the entire moon and stars handed to me on a silver platter.

The pain got easier every day. But honestly, even if it hadn’t, I think I’d still be No Contact – the benefits – ones we can’t even imagine – are astounding. So if right now, you’re wading through the pain of it – just remember – you’re going to get much more than you’re thinking you will.

MUCH, MUCH more…

It’s much much more than just breaking free of your Narcissistic Mother. It’s about releasing all the stuff she put in your head, too, and all the fear and inhibitions that have been holding us back. I could never “get at” those things until No Contact.