No Contact 101
No-Contact 101 comes from a very interesting site called Luke Ministries – this website offers a Christian perspective on advice and help for ‘adult daughters of controlling or abusive birth-families’ – and their information is valid and useful for non-Christians too.
And here’s what they have to say about No Contact 101 (this information copied with their permission).
Please note that No Contact 101 is descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, it tells you what true No Contact is; it doesn’t tell you that you have to do this. The only thing is to know that if you allow any breaches in the wall at all, then it’s not full No Contact. Which is of course absolutely fine, just once you know the difference.
You should do exactly what you want, and what you decide is best for you. Nothing on this website is about replacing your Narcissistic Mother in controlling you; it’s about empowering you instead.
This is how you do No Contact:
|NO Talking To Them No Matter What Happens And No Matter What You Hear
NO Letting Them Talk To You, NO Listening To Anything They Say, NO “Hearing Them Out.”
NO Letting Them In Your House And NO Going To Their House. If It Is Possible To Move, Then Move, Get A P.O. Box, And Don’t Let Them Know When Or Where You’re Going.
NO Phone Calls and NO Returning Voicemail Messages. Change Your Number To Unlisted and Unpublished, And Do Not Give It To Anyone You Can’t Trust Not To Give It To Your Abuser. NEVER pick up the phone. Screen Your Calls. Use Caller ID Or Let Your Machine Pick Up.
NO Sending Or Responding To E-Mails. Block Their E-Mails, IMs, And Ability To See When You Are Online
NO Meetings to “Talk Things Over” Or “Work Things Out”.
NO Communication At All Except Through Attorneys.
NO Cards or Letters and NO Responding to Cards or Letters. NO Birthday Cards. NO Christmas Cards. NO Mother’s Day or Father’s Day Cards.
NO Gifts and NO Accepting Gifts. If A Gift Is Sent To You, NO Acknowledging It And NO Responding.
NO Exceptions For Holidays, Birthdays, or Anniversaries
NO Visits, Including Hospital Visits
NO Letting Them Near Your Kids. If They’re Too Toxic For You To Be Around, Then They’re Too Toxic For Your Children To Be Around. Warn Your Children To Stay Away From Them. Notify Your Children’s School To Call The Police If They Show Up.
NO Public Pleasantries. If You Run Into Them In a Public Place, Ignore Them, Turn Your Back, And Walk Away. If They Approach You, Say In A Loud Voice, “Leave Me Alone!” And “Do Not Talk To Me”. If They Persist Or You Believe You Are Being Stalked, Call The Police.
NO Discussing Them With Anybody Who Has Contact With Them.
NO Speaking At All To Anyone Who Might Be Pumping You For Information Or Spying On You, And Reporting Back To Them. Cut Off Anyone Who Is Not Loyal To You.
NO Listening to Any News About Them. If you’re absolutely DYING of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return.
NO Giving Other People Information About You Or Your Family That They Could Carry Back To Your Abuser
NO Invitations to Your Big Events and NO Responding to Invitations They Send You
NO Responding To News That They Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead
NO Big Announcements or Telling Them Anything About Your Life- NO Letting Them Know You’re Getting Married, Moving, Or Having A Baby. NO Letting Them Know When Your Children Get Married, Where They Live, Work, or Go To School, Or When Your Grandkids Are Born.
Print Out E-Mails and Keep All Cards, Letters and Other Communication In A File For Future Harrassment Or Stalking Charges, But Do Not Respond.
No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?
Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.
No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That’s why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. It’s time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it’s all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won’t feel the need to.
Mothers With NPD:
Info & Resources:
What other DONMs say:
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