Narcissistic Mother Dictionary

What they say

What they mean

I love you.

1) I want to manipulate you.

2) You’re showing signs of breaking away and I want to suck you back in.

3) I’ve heard people say this and it seems to get a good reaction.

4) I command you to love me.

Don't ever feel like you HAVE to come see me for my birthday.

If you don’t make the 650 mile pilgrimage to celebrate me, I promise I will do something to make you pay dearly.

Go do something constructive.

Be gone, I have no interest in my own children.

You were an "accident".

You are only here because homicide would get me jail time, and I thought you’d be a better slave, so I didn’t opt for adoption.

You go have yourself a good cry!

I resent your emotions, but at least I can use them to hurt you.

I never said that!

1) Damned if I’m going to admit it.

2) Yes I said that but it doesn’t work in the conversation right now.

3) I know I said it but it’s so much fun to f*** with your head until you don’t know what is true and you think you really are crazy! Yeah me!!! 

It's been a long time since I talked to you and I just called to see how you were doing.

1) I am running low on my Narcissistic Supply and need another fix.

2) I don’t care how you’re doing; I really just want to talk about me.

You just aren't remembering correctly.

My version of events shows me in a better light, so that’s the official version.

You never do anything for me!

I know you’ve done a lot for me in the past, but that was then and it no longer counts. What have you done for me today?

It's time this stops.

None of my ploys have worked to pull you back so now I will treat you like a child.

I miss you.

1) I miss having control over you.

2) I’m lacking my Narcissistic Supply – please provide it pronto.

Who have you been talking to? Who have you been in therapy with? what book did you read? etc, etc, etc....

I’m not getting the usual emotional response from you and you are too dim-witted to have figured out how to shut me down on your own.

Your brother and sister-in-law took us out to dinner last night. We had such a nice time - I don't think we have ever been treated that well.

You had better step up your game.

I'm so proud of you.

1 You have made me feel good and/or *I* feel good because of you.

2) I can take credit for that accomplishment.

Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from your family?

Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from me?

I want to help you with your kids.

I plan to interfere in the upbringing of your children by spoiling them, disciplining them differently to your way, and ignoring your decisions and wishes regarding them. I will not acknowledge your position and rights as the mother of these children. I may even steal them from you.

Your father and I think ...

I think …

So how are you?

1) I’d better ask, but don’t worry I won’t really be listening. Or as soon as you say a trigger word, which reminds me of something else, I’ll interrupt and be off again!

2) I’m running out of things to boast to my friends about, so please come up with some accomplishments.

I'm so sorry your beloved dog died.

Sigh … I’d better at least mention it, and let you talk for one, maybe two, sentences about your upset and grief, and then I can talk about myself again.

You were always my problem child.

You resisted my attempts to violate your boundaries, abuse you and humiliate you.

It's so sad. I feel so sorry for them.

It’s so exciting! I love being this close to tragedies! I feel so important!

I'm sorry.

1) I will, on rare occasion, say the words but never change my behaviour.

2) Sigh, I’ll say it if it’ll stop you moaning, but don’t worry, I don’t mean it.

Let's just draw a line under it and get back to normal.

1) Let’s pretend everything is ok and I’m not a nightmare of a mother so I can continue to torture you and get my Narcissistic Supply.

2) Let me play my narcissist’s game of never being held accountable for my behaviour.

Your sister-in-law is such a great cook! Simply amazing!

I want to take away any pleasure or pride you have in your own cooking skills.

I just want you to love me.

All I really want is for you give me my Narcissistic Supply.

What’s wrong with you today? What is your problem?

I’m pissed that you are denying me my much needed Narcissistic Supply. Damn you!

Honestly, nothing ever pleases you, does it? Sigh.

You have to let me treat you exactly as I please, without ever complaining.

I was only trying to help!

I demand the freedom to interfere in your life any time I want.
That is my right!

What happened to the nice girl I once knew?

Why are you no longer the easily manipulated and uncomplaining-of-abuse girl I raised you to be?

After all I’ve done for you! You’ve never appreciated me!

Wah wah wah I have violated your boundaries most of your life but even so I resent the hell out of your standing your ground and refusing to allow me to interfere, manipulate and control you.

Why are you treating me so badly? What have I done wrong?

I have the right to interfere in your life and abuse you without any consequences. 

Because I'm the Mama, that's why!

You are really just a child, after all. I’ll never acknowledge that you are now an adult.

I want to give you this because I love you.

It’s really because you will then be beholden to me and this gives me great leverage to milk you for Narcissistic Supply.

You're always looking for insult.

I will not be held accountable for my actions and behaviours!

You are so easily offended.

I will not be held accountable for my actions and behaviours!

I have to walk on eggshells around you.

I will not be held accountable for my actions and behaviours!

You're over-sensitive.

I will not be held accountable for my actions and behaviours!

I never want to be a burden to you.

I will over-run your life and suck the life force from you and your children. 

Have you lost some weight?

I am so glad that I brought that sticky bun with me on this visit. 

You take me the wrong way.

I will invalidate your feelings as I have done your whole life. 

You're so good at [specific thing]!

You got that from me! 

You don't respect me!

You won’t let me abuse you.

You won't forgive me!

1) You won’t let me away with what I did, nor let me continue to trample all over you.

2) I expect forgiveness with no apology and no intention of doing differently in future.  

Well, have a think about it and get back to me.

I am not accepting your decision/opinion. Keep thinking until you come to the correct conclusion.

I was just joking even if I did say and do that, which I didn't.

I did say/do it, and I did mean it, but damned if I’m going to acknowledge that.

You just won't admit when you're wrong.

You defended yourself from my lies!

Here's a gift.

Here is something, very likely something I have no more use for, that I am officially giving to you. But it is still mine, and therefore I get to say, forever more, what you do with it. And woebetide you don’t appreciate it enough, over and over.

Mothers With NPD:

Info & Resources:

What other DONMs say:

"I save them all"

“Thank you for all of your wonderful emails & information (I save all of them) you’ve helped me sort out alot of the craziness in my head.”
Terra Dansby, Rapid City, S.D.


“Your newsletters are catharsis for me. Every single time I read one. They help me to cope. They help me to see things I couldn’t see from my original perspective.”
Candice, Chicopee, MA

"Added to my notebook"

“Another brilliant and helpful section from you today, Danu … just added this to my notebook of your wisdom. “

"Permeated my mind and soul"

“I’ve been getting these from you since Sept 2014. In that time your ideas have permeated my mind and soul.”

"Lighter and Easier"

“When I read your writing, I don’t tend to feel as ‘heavy and sad’. There’s a ‘warmth’ with what you say that makes it a bit lighter and easier to read, for me anyway.”

"Fantastic Resource"

“Just wanted to say thanks for these pearls of wisdom which somehow always arrive at the right time! What a fantastic resource to remain strong and sane 🙂 “
R.W. Auckland NZ

"I enjoy reading them"

“I do look forward to receiving your emails and I enjoy reading them every time. ” “Sylvia, Altea (Spain)”

"They are excellent!"

“Thank you Danu! Love love reading your weekly posts! They are excellent!” MC….Iselin, NJ.

"Helps Lighten The Burden"

“I appreciate all the emails that you send.
You know so much and just knowing that you have struggled too and understand helps lighten the heavy burden that we carry.” Brenda, Martinsburg, WV

"Beyond Description"

“The help you give me with these notes is beyond description. Thank you.” M.S.

"My healing has skyrocketed"

“Just wanted to a quick thank you for the newsletters over the past few months. They are always so helpful and thought provoking. My healing has skyrocketed since signing up.” “M, Boston, MA, USA”

"They make such a difference"

“I have read all your work and love reading your emails, please keep sharing your thoughts, they make such a difference.” Linda, and Leicestershire.

"They help me heal"

” Ty for all of your shares! I read them all. They help me heal.” Brenda G


“I love reading your emails and there’s always a great insightful takeaway. “
S.G. Chicago, Illinois/ USA)

"So Inspirational"

Your writings are truly so good. So inspirational and so TRUE! MC, NJ

"Useable truths"

“Just a quick note to thank you for your many words of strength, wisdom, & usable truths.”
Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

"Valuable and helpful"

I have read all your emails and can’t say enough how valuable and helpful your words have been for me.” Lisa, Melbourne

"You understand"

“When I read your words, I feel you completely understand what I’m going through. And this means so much to me. So thank you!! “
Katja, Arnhem, Netherlands.


“Lifesaving!! Thanks Danu! No Words!”
R. G.


“Thank you for these weekly emails. They are invaluable to me. Each time I read one I am amazed how much you seem to be describing me and my life. You have been helping me so much through these emails.”
Jackie, Texas, US

"Your message nurtures"

“Danu- As always your message nurtures and rings true. I am a stronger more focused woman for your supportive messages.” Ms.D.Mortier Vemont, USA

"Come precisely when I need them"

“I always find the emails you send are exactly what I need to be reading and understanding at exactly that time! They help towards making some of my difficult decisions and precisely come at the time when i most need them. Thank you.”
Selina, London, UK

"Always Validating"

“Your messages never fail to make me think – always interesting, always thought provoking and most of all, always validating which is of endless worth to me.”Ziggy, Western Australia

"Skills to move forward"

” I thoroughly enjoy reading your emails, and always, get good things from them…affirmation, validation, understanding what has happened, and skills to move forward in a more positive light. Thank you, thank you!”
S. North Carolina

"Telling my story"

“Dear Danu, I continue to read your e mails and am amazed at how you seem to be telling me my own story. ” Amy

"I needed to hear it"

“On the day this email arrived, I really needed to hear it. You gave me words for my thoughts and feelings, and you made me realise it was okay to feel the way I did that day.” Carrie, Derby UK

"Reassuring, helpful, a blessing."

“Thanks so much for your notes. Reassuring, helpful, a blessing.” – Marlene

"Always suportive"

“Thank you for your always-supportive and insightful writings” T.A. Arizona

"Changing Everything"

“Once again, your email arrived with amazing timing, offering a message I needed to hear now, a re-framing that is already changing everything.” Suzanne, Washington D.C.

The Mega DONM Resource Bundle

Over $200 of my best resources for immediate download ~ only $37
(Complete no-quibble 60- day money-back guarantee so you can check it out fully and see if it’s for you.)


You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother

The best-selling, life-changing book, now substantially revised and extended.


Dear Daughter Of A Narcissistic Mother

100 letters of wisdom, warmth, humour, validation, support and encouragement.

Notes From Your Inner Mother

To The Unloved Daughter

Little notes of wisdom, encouragement and support. In your inbox for free, or all at once in this wonderful book.

The Healing Store

EFT Recovery videos to download individually. The next best thing to individual EFT sessions.