Forms Of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Mothers have many subtle – and sometimes not so subtle – forms of narcissistic abuse.

She lies to us and about us. She insults us, sometimes so subtly that we’re left wondering if we imagined it. Sometimes the insults are wrapped in a cloak of concern, “Poor you, you’re always so confused”.

She demeans us and doesn’t respect us whatsoever.

She ignores us when it suits her and overwhelms us what that suits her.

She manipulates us, our feelings and our situations for her pleasure.

She controls us, using us as a pawn to get her Narcissistic Supply.

She ignores our personal boundaries, both physical and emotional. She treats us as an object, only existing for her gratification. She denies our basic existence, our very humanity.

She subjects us to her Narcissistic Rage on a whim.

She forces guilt onto us, and shame. She tells us in every moment – verbally and otherwise – that we’re unworthy and never good enough for her.

She gaslights us, making us doubt our own reality and our own sanity. This is such a core issue it’s why I called my book You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother after all.

She’s sly and sneaky, reserving her abuse for secret times, so others don’t see it, and don’t believe us if we try to tell them. Which is even more crazy-making.

She neglects our needs, sending always the message that we don’t matter, that we’re worthless. This leads to self-loathing and struggles with self-care.

She’s unpredictable, capricious and inconsistent, so we never know where we are or what to expect. There’s no secure foundation to this world.

She tells us she loves us and distorts the word by doing so, because she doesn’t act as if she loves us. Another form of gaslighting as our experience contradicts exactly what she is insisting is so.

She makes herself the centre of the family, forcing us all to revolve around her and keep her happy. Her needs are paramount; ours, barely acknowledged.

She can’t be trusted. She says one thing one day, and another the next.

She misuses your vulnerabilities. She knows them, as your mother. Anything you say will be used against you. She fights dirty.

Sexual abuse is not a classic act of narcissistic mothers. But having said that, from the experiences of those daughters on my forum, it’s clear that they can often be inappropriate physically – insisting on intimate examinations under the guise of medical or hygiene reasons, for example.

And, of course, they can be so neglectful and uncaring that they make their daughters prime targets for full-blown sexual abusers. There’s a whole strategy to paedophilia, and it involves identifying the perfect victim to start with, and a child who isn’t minded, or paid attention to, or supervised, or cared about, is their ideal. It helps, too, that that child might be desperate for attention and so welcome the paeophile’s grooming attentions, making it even easier.

Although is one of the forms of narcissistic abuse, I would call this sexual abuse by proxy, in a way. These narcissistic mothers might not be actively sexually abusing their daughters (although of course that can happen too), but they are facilitating it by omission.

What other DONMs say:

"I save them all"

“Thank you for all of your wonderful emails & information (I save all of them) you’ve helped me sort out alot of the craziness in my head.”
Terra Dansby, Rapid City, S.D.

"Catharsis"

“Your newsletters are catharsis for me. Every single time I read one. They help me to cope. They help me to see things I couldn’t see from my original perspective.”
Candice, Chicopee, MA

"Added to my notebook"

“Another brilliant and helpful section from you today, Danu … just added this to my notebook of your wisdom. “
S.D.

"Permeated my mind and soul"

“I’ve been getting these from you since Sept 2014. In that time your ideas have permeated my mind and soul.”
S.D.

"Lighter and Easier"

“When I read your writing, I don’t tend to feel as ‘heavy and sad’. There’s a ‘warmth’ with what you say that makes it a bit lighter and easier to read, for me anyway.”
T.H. 

"Fantastic Resource"

“Just wanted to say thanks for these pearls of wisdom which somehow always arrive at the right time! What a fantastic resource to remain strong and sane 🙂 “
R.W. Auckland NZ

"I enjoy reading them"

“I do look forward to receiving your emails and I enjoy reading them every time. ” “Sylvia, Altea (Spain)”

"They are excellent!"

“Thank you Danu! Love love reading your weekly posts! They are excellent!” MC….Iselin, NJ.

"Helps Lighten The Burden"

“I appreciate all the emails that you send.
You know so much and just knowing that you have struggled too and understand helps lighten the heavy burden that we carry.” Brenda, Martinsburg, WV

"Beyond Description"

“The help you give me with these notes is beyond description. Thank you.” M.S.

"My healing has skyrocketed"

“Just wanted to a quick thank you for the newsletters over the past few months. They are always so helpful and thought provoking. My healing has skyrocketed since signing up.” “M, Boston, MA, USA”

"They make such a difference"

“I have read all your work and love reading your emails, please keep sharing your thoughts, they make such a difference.” Linda, and Leicestershire.

"They help me heal"

” Ty for all of your shares! I read them all. They help me heal.” Brenda G
WV

"Insightful"

“I love reading your emails and there’s always a great insightful takeaway. “
S.G. Chicago, Illinois/ USA)

"So Inspirational"

Your writings are truly so good. So inspirational and so TRUE! MC, NJ

"Useable truths"

“Just a quick note to thank you for your many words of strength, wisdom, & usable truths.”
Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

"Valuable and helpful"

I have read all your emails and can’t say enough how valuable and helpful your words have been for me.” Lisa, Melbourne

"You understand"

“When I read your words, I feel you completely understand what I’m going through. And this means so much to me. So thank you!! “
Katja, Arnhem, Netherlands.

"Lifesaving"

“Lifesaving!! Thanks Danu! No Words!”
R. G.

"Invaluable"

“Thank you for these weekly emails. They are invaluable to me. Each time I read one I am amazed how much you seem to be describing me and my life. You have been helping me so much through these emails.”
Jackie, Texas, US

"Your message nurtures"

“Danu- As always your message nurtures and rings true. I am a stronger more focused woman for your supportive messages.” Ms.D.Mortier Vemont, USA

"Come precisely when I need them"

“I always find the emails you send are exactly what I need to be reading and understanding at exactly that time! They help towards making some of my difficult decisions and precisely come at the time when i most need them. Thank you.”
Selina, London, UK

"Always Validating"

“Your messages never fail to make me think – always interesting, always thought provoking and most of all, always validating which is of endless worth to me.”Ziggy, Western Australia

"Skills to move forward"

” I thoroughly enjoy reading your emails, and always, get good things from them…affirmation, validation, understanding what has happened, and skills to move forward in a more positive light. Thank you, thank you!”
S. North Carolina

"Telling my story"

“Dear Danu, I continue to read your e mails and am amazed at how you seem to be telling me my own story. ” Amy

"I needed to hear it"

“On the day this email arrived, I really needed to hear it. You gave me words for my thoughts and feelings, and you made me realise it was okay to feel the way I did that day.” Carrie, Derby UK

"Reassuring, helpful, a blessing."

“Thanks so much for your notes. Reassuring, helpful, a blessing.” – Marlene

"Always suportive"

“Thank you for your always-supportive and insightful writings” T.A. Arizona

"Changing Everything"

“Once again, your email arrived with amazing timing, offering a message I needed to hear now, a re-framing that is already changing everything.” Suzanne, Washington D.C.

Knowledge is only the first step.

Then it's time to recover and heal and thrive.

How To Go No Contact Even When You Think You Can't

Check out my new resource which will hold your hand as it guides you through the possibility and -- if you so choose - the process of going No Contact in peace and power.

Click Here

Forms Of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Mothers have many subtle – and sometimes not so subtle – forms of narcissistic abuse.

She lies to us and about us. She insults us, sometimes so subtly that we’re left wondering if we imagined it. Sometimes the insults are wrapped in a cloak of concern, “Poor you, you’re always so confused”.

She demeans us and doesn’t respect us whatsoever.

She ignores us when it suits her and overwhelms us what that suits her.

She manipulates us, our feelings and our situations for her pleasure.

She controls us, using us as a pawn to get her Narcissistic Supply.

She ignores our personal boundaries, both physical and emotional. She treats us as an object, only existing for her gratification. She denies our basic existence, our very humanity.

She subjects us to her Narcissistic Rage on a whim.

She forces guilt onto us, and shame. She tells us in every moment – verbally and otherwise – that we’re unworthy and never good enough for her.

She gaslights us, making us doubt our own reality and our own sanity. This is such a core issue it’s why I called my book You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother after all.

She’s sly and sneaky, reserving her abuse for secret times, so others don’t see it, and don’t believe us if we try to tell them. Which is even more crazy-making.

She neglects our needs, sending always the message that we don’t matter, that we’re worthless. This leads to self-loathing and struggles with self-care.

She’s unpredictable, capricious and inconsistent, so we never know where we are or what to expect. There’s no secure foundation to this world.

She tells us she loves us and distorts the word by doing so, because she doesn’t act as if she loves us. Another form of gaslighting as our experience contradicts exactly what she is insisting is so.

She makes herself the centre of the family, forcing us all to revolve around her and keep her happy. Her needs are paramount; ours, barely acknowledged.

She can’t be trusted. She says one thing one day, and another the next.

She misuses your vulnerabilities. She knows them, as your mother. Anything you say will be used against you. She fights dirty.

Sexual abuse is not a classic act of narcissistic mothers. But having said that, from the experiences of those daughters on my forum, it’s clear that they can often be inappropriate physically – insisting on intimate examinations under the guise of medical or hygiene reasons, for example.

And, of course, they can be so neglectful and uncaring that they make their daughters prime targets for full-blown sexual abusers. There’s a whole strategy to paedophilia, and it involves identifying the perfect victim to start with, and a child who isn’t minded, or paid attention to, or supervised, or cared about, is their ideal. It helps, too, that that child might be desperate for attention and so welcome the paeophile’s grooming attentions, making it even easier.

Although is one of the forms of narcissistic abuse, I would call this sexual abuse by proxy, in a way. These narcissistic mothers might not be actively sexually abusing their daughters (although of course that can happen too), but they are facilitating it by omission.

Knowledge is only the first step.

Then it's time to recover and heal and thrive.