DONM Manifesto

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you learned certain rules. You had a manifesto on how to behave that suited her. Well those days are over. You get your own manifesto now. Here it is. This was written by members* of our forum (now unfortunately closed), and I am grateful to them for permission to reprint it here.

  1. I have the right to the sovereignty of my own thoughts. I will not be told what to do, say, think, or who to be.
  2. I will not be manipulated into being an object of psychological projection. It is not my burden to be a sink for narcissistic self hate. The place in me, that my abuser is using to hold their shame, I need for myself, to deal with my own problems. It is mine and I reclaim it. I live in the truth, that my abuser is accountable for her actions, and do not look for justification. I am accountable to myself, to stop the abuse.
  3. I have the right to boundaries. Any attempt at control, manipulation, triangulation, gaslighting, verbal, emotional or physical abuse, to violate my soul, in order to obtain narcissistic supply, will be rigorously resisted. If this necessitates complete estrangement, I will not allow the fact of biological parenthood stop me. This applies to all people the narcissist uses to this end, even if they are in my family. I will not allow society to shame me, due to a wide spread belief in familial sanctity.
  4. I will no longer live in projected false self hatred and shame. The conditioning I received to continue absing myself even out of the presence the narcissistic mother, will be stopped. If I need assistance from others to do this, I have the right to support, in this issue and all others in life, from the medical profession, family and friends. I promise to silence the inner voice, that like a river of poison, tells me at all times, that I am less than others, flawed and unworthy of love and respect. I will not self sabotage for my abuser’s agenda. I will remember that abusers operate in secrecy, and if she can, the narcissistic mother will hide the abuse even from her own victim.
  5. I have the right to self care and also the right not to be obsessed with appearances.
  6. I will no longer internalize my own needs as an inconvenience to others.
  7. I will no longer believe that what others think of me is of the utmost importance. They are both opposite sides of the same coin. I have been conditioned to not exist, except to reflect my narcissistic mothers’ needs.
  8. I reclaim my own needs and will be accountable to see that they are met.
  9. I will allow myself personal expression, in grooming, clothing, appearance, education, religion, profession and lifestyle.
  10. I will accept and be ready, for extreme resistance and/or the flip side indifference, due to my insistence on personal sovereignty, and am prepared with an equally firm rejection of her control. I recognize abandonment emotional and or physical, as a threat in her arsenal and do not fear it.
  11. I will listen to my intuition when things don’t look, feel or seem right to me, even if I can’t identify what is “off”…
  12. I will go easy on myself as i set up my boundaries and assert my rights, if it feels unfamiliar and i feel like im blundering, i will encourage myself and be with people who encourage me. I might feel like i am in an entirely new territory, but i will find my resources and find my way.
  13. Criminal acts against me such as assault or stealing will result with the police being called

*Thanks so much to forum members Swampcat (who originated this and wrote most of it), MagicPotion, Tix and Budgie for creating this amazing Manifesto.

I invite you to print it out and sign it and put it where you’ll see it.

More About DONMs:

Info & Resources:

What other DONMs say:

"I save them all"

“Thank you for all of your wonderful emails & information (I save all of them) you’ve helped me sort out alot of the craziness in my head.”
Terra Dansby, Rapid City, S.D.

"Catharsis"

“Your newsletters are catharsis for me. Every single time I read one. They help me to cope. They help me to see things I couldn’t see from my original perspective.”
Candice, Chicopee, MA

"Added to my notebook"

“Another brilliant and helpful section from you today, Danu … just added this to my notebook of your wisdom. “
S.D.

"Permeated my mind and soul"

“I’ve been getting these from you since Sept 2014. In that time your ideas have permeated my mind and soul.”
S.D.

"Lighter and Easier"

“When I read your writing, I don’t tend to feel as ‘heavy and sad’. There’s a ‘warmth’ with what you say that makes it a bit lighter and easier to read, for me anyway.”
T.H. 

"Fantastic Resource"

“Just wanted to say thanks for these pearls of wisdom which somehow always arrive at the right time! What a fantastic resource to remain strong and sane 🙂 “
R.W. Auckland NZ

"I enjoy reading them"

“I do look forward to receiving your emails and I enjoy reading them every time. ” “Sylvia, Altea (Spain)”

"They are excellent!"

“Thank you Danu! Love love reading your weekly posts! They are excellent!” MC….Iselin, NJ.

"Helps Lighten The Burden"

“I appreciate all the emails that you send.
You know so much and just knowing that you have struggled too and understand helps lighten the heavy burden that we carry.” Brenda, Martinsburg, WV

"Beyond Description"

“The help you give me with these notes is beyond description. Thank you.” M.S.

"My healing has skyrocketed"

“Just wanted to a quick thank you for the newsletters over the past few months. They are always so helpful and thought provoking. My healing has skyrocketed since signing up.” “M, Boston, MA, USA”

"They make such a difference"

“I have read all your work and love reading your emails, please keep sharing your thoughts, they make such a difference.” Linda, and Leicestershire.

"They help me heal"

” Ty for all of your shares! I read them all. They help me heal.” Brenda G
WV

"Insightful"

“I love reading your emails and there’s always a great insightful takeaway. “
S.G. Chicago, Illinois/ USA)

"So Inspirational"

Your writings are truly so good. So inspirational and so TRUE! MC, NJ

"Useable truths"

“Just a quick note to thank you for your many words of strength, wisdom, & usable truths.”
Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

"Valuable and helpful"

I have read all your emails and can’t say enough how valuable and helpful your words have been for me.” Lisa, Melbourne

"You understand"

“When I read your words, I feel you completely understand what I’m going through. And this means so much to me. So thank you!! “
Katja, Arnhem, Netherlands.

"Lifesaving"

“Lifesaving!! Thanks Danu! No Words!”
R. G.

"Invaluable"

“Thank you for these weekly emails. They are invaluable to me. Each time I read one I am amazed how much you seem to be describing me and my life. You have been helping me so much through these emails.”
Jackie, Texas, US

"Your message nurtures"

“Danu- As always your message nurtures and rings true. I am a stronger more focused woman for your supportive messages.” Ms.D.Mortier Vemont, USA

"Come precisely when I need them"

“I always find the emails you send are exactly what I need to be reading and understanding at exactly that time! They help towards making some of my difficult decisions and precisely come at the time when i most need them. Thank you.”
Selina, London, UK

"Always Validating"

“Your messages never fail to make me think – always interesting, always thought provoking and most of all, always validating which is of endless worth to me.”Ziggy, Western Australia

"Skills to move forward"

” I thoroughly enjoy reading your emails, and always, get good things from them…affirmation, validation, understanding what has happened, and skills to move forward in a more positive light. Thank you, thank you!”
S. North Carolina

"Telling my story"

“Dear Danu, I continue to read your e mails and am amazed at how you seem to be telling me my own story. ” Amy

"I needed to hear it"

“On the day this email arrived, I really needed to hear it. You gave me words for my thoughts and feelings, and you made me realise it was okay to feel the way I did that day.” Carrie, Derby UK

"Reassuring, helpful, a blessing."

“Thanks so much for your notes. Reassuring, helpful, a blessing.” – Marlene

"Always suportive"

“Thank you for your always-supportive and insightful writings” T.A. Arizona

"Changing Everything"

“Once again, your email arrived with amazing timing, offering a message I needed to hear now, a re-framing that is already changing everything.” Suzanne, Washington D.C.