As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you learned certain rules. You had a manifesto on how to behave that suited her. Well those days are over. You get your own manifesto now. Here it is. This was written by members* of our forum (now unfortunately closed), and I am grateful to them for permission to reprint it here.
- I have the right to the sovereignty of my own thoughts. I will not be told what to do, say, think, or who to be.
- I will not be manipulated into being an object of psychological projection. It is not my burden to be a sink for narcissistic self hate. The place in me, that my abuser is using to hold their shame, I need for myself, to deal with my own problems. It is mine and I reclaim it. I live in the truth, that my abuser is accountable for her actions, and do not look for justification. I am accountable to myself, to stop the abuse.
- I have the right to boundaries. Any attempt at control, manipulation, triangulation, gaslighting, verbal, emotional or physical abuse, to violate my soul, in order to obtain narcissistic supply, will be rigorously resisted. If this necessitates complete estrangement, I will not allow the fact of biological parenthood stop me. This applies to all people the narcissist uses to this end, even if they are in my family. I will not allow society to shame me, due to a wide spread belief in familial sanctity.
- I will no longer live in projected false self hatred and shame. The conditioning I received to continue absing myself even out of the presence the narcissistic mother, will be stopped. If I need assistance from others to do this, I have the right to support, in this issue and all others in life, from the medical profession, family and friends. I promise to silence the inner voice, that like a river of poison, tells me at all times, that I am less than others, flawed and unworthy of love and respect. I will not self sabotage for my abuser's agenda. I will remember that abusers operate in secrecy, and if she can, the narcissistic mother will hide the abuse even from her own victim.
- I have the right to self care and also the right not to be obsessed with appearances.
- I will no longer internalize my own needs as an inconvenience to others.
- I will no longer believe that what others think of me is of the utmost importance. They are both opposite sides of the same coin. I have been conditioned to not exist, except to reflect my narcissistic mothers' needs.
- I reclaim my own needs and will be accountable to see that they are met.
- I will allow myself personal expression, in grooming, clothing, appearance, education, religion, profession and lifestyle.
- I will accept and be ready, for extreme resistance and/or the flip side indifference, due to my insistence on personal sovereignty, and am prepared with an equally firm rejection of her control. I recognize abandonment emotional and or physical, as a threat in her arsenal and do not fear it.
- I will listen to my intuition when things don't look, feel or seem right to me, even if I can't identify what is "off"...
- I will go easy on myself as i set up my boundaries and assert my rights, if it feels unfamiliar and i feel like im blundering, i will encourage myself and be with people who encourage me. I might feel like i am in an entirely new territory, but i will find my resources and find my way.
- Criminal acts against me such as assault or stealing will result with the police being called
*Thanks so much to forum members Swampcat (who originated this and wrote most of it), MagicPotion, Tix and Budgie for creating this amazing Manifesto.
I invite you to print it out and sign it and put it where you'll see it.
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