Daughters With Narcissistic Mothers

We daughters with narcissistic mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived this cruel crazy-making lifestyle.

I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because – depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located – it can be so subtle that we don’t even realise we’re being abused.

As one Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother wrote so eloquently:

As different as [all daughters with narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.

It is an abnegation of the soul, and I’d argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.

It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.

(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)

I certainly didn’t know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, “What’s her problem?”

And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.

We just internalise the stress, and think it’s us that’s wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we’re crazy! Maybe not in as many words (although often, yes, in as many words), but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it’s effectively saying we’re crazy.

On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination – the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.

We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don’t know any better to realise that normally love doesn’t manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over, that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don’t – cannot – understand any of this, and that’s lonely too.

And we believe we love her because, well, that’s what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.

The heritage of being a Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on – I’ve heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.

We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.

We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.

We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we’re never good enough, that we’re not acceptable, that at some deep down level we’re inherently flawed.

We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.

Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we’re not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.

We’re weary of our successes being dismissed as of absolutely no interest to them, or worse, even sneered at and undermined. And we’re equally fed up of our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.

We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we’re probably scared to own, or access, our own power – and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We’ve had years of being told we’re too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.

We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that’s with our family or with others.

We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.

We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.

We may have body issues – either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.

We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.

We may find that we’re still trying – in vain, of course – to get her approval, or to get her attention.

We may want to severely limit our contact with her, but aren’t sure how she will respond to that – will it make it worse for us? Or, even more, we might want to cut off all contact– but be worried and confused about the impact of that.

We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we’re attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn’t safe.

We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don’t deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don’t deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.

A lot of Daughters with Narcissistic Mothers also have huge difficulty saying nice things about themselves, or celebrating their own successes.

We no doubt have limiting beliefs. They vary from woman to woman but could be things like: It’s not safe to be successful, or, I have to be quiet and not cause any trouble.

The thing about these beliefs is that often they’re so deep down that we don’t even know they’re there – but they’re running, and often ruining, our lives. EFT is terrific for a) identifying and b) erasing these false and limiting beliefs.

We may feel the burden of keeping family secrets, and feel guilt and shame around those.

We are torn between cutting off all contact – but that’s such a big decision, with so many implications around her, and our wider family, and wider society too – and having to deal with her on a regular basis.

We doubt our own abilities to be mothers in our turn. It’s not surprising when we had no positive role-models. How do we even begin? Are we going to be the same kind of mother as she was?

And then, once we are mothers, we have to deal with our narcissistic mother as a grandmother. That brings a whole new heap of conflict and dilemma.

No wonder we wryly call NPD the gift that keeps on giving. But with the information and resources on this website, you can hand that gift right back and claim your own manifesto on being treated right.

What other DONMs say about the Guidebook:

"I save them all"

“Thank you for all of your wonderful emails & information (I save all of them) you’ve helped me sort out alot of the craziness in my head.”
Terra Dansby, Rapid City, S.D.

"Catharsis"

“Your newsletters are catharsis for me. Every single time I read one. They help me to cope. They help me to see things I couldn’t see from my original perspective.”
Candice, Chicopee, MA

"Added to my notebook"

“Another brilliant and helpful section from you today, Danu … just added this to my notebook of your wisdom. “
S.D.

"Permeated my mind and soul"

“I’ve been getting these from you since Sept 2014. In that time your ideas have permeated my mind and soul.”
S.D.

"Lighter and Easier"

“When I read your writing, I don’t tend to feel as ‘heavy and sad’. There’s a ‘warmth’ with what you say that makes it a bit lighter and easier to read, for me anyway.”
T.H. 

"Fantastic Resource"

“Just wanted to say thanks for these pearls of wisdom which somehow always arrive at the right time! What a fantastic resource to remain strong and sane 🙂 “
R.W. Auckland NZ

"I enjoy reading them"

“I do look forward to receiving your emails and I enjoy reading them every time. ” “Sylvia, Altea (Spain)”

"They are excellent!"

“Thank you Danu! Love love reading your weekly posts! They are excellent!” MC….Iselin, NJ.

"Helps Lighten The Burden"

“I appreciate all the emails that you send.
You know so much and just knowing that you have struggled too and understand helps lighten the heavy burden that we carry.” Brenda, Martinsburg, WV

"Beyond Description"

“The help you give me with these notes is beyond description. Thank you.” M.S.

"My healing has skyrocketed"

“Just wanted to a quick thank you for the newsletters over the past few months. They are always so helpful and thought provoking. My healing has skyrocketed since signing up.” “M, Boston, MA, USA”

"They make such a difference"

“I have read all your work and love reading your emails, please keep sharing your thoughts, they make such a difference.” Linda, and Leicestershire.

"They help me heal"

” Ty for all of your shares! I read them all. They help me heal.” Brenda G
WV

"Insightful"

“I love reading your emails and there’s always a great insightful takeaway. “
S.G. Chicago, Illinois/ USA)

"So Inspirational"

Your writings are truly so good. So inspirational and so TRUE! MC, NJ

"Useable truths"

“Just a quick note to thank you for your many words of strength, wisdom, & usable truths.”
Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

"Valuable and helpful"

I have read all your emails and can’t say enough how valuable and helpful your words have been for me.” Lisa, Melbourne

"You understand"

“When I read your words, I feel you completely understand what I’m going through. And this means so much to me. So thank you!! “
Katja, Arnhem, Netherlands.

"Lifesaving"

“Lifesaving!! Thanks Danu! No Words!”
R. G.

"Invaluable"

“Thank you for these weekly emails. They are invaluable to me. Each time I read one I am amazed how much you seem to be describing me and my life. You have been helping me so much through these emails.”
Jackie, Texas, US

"Your message nurtures"

“Danu- As always your message nurtures and rings true. I am a stronger more focused woman for your supportive messages.” Ms.D.Mortier Vemont, USA

"Come precisely when I need them"

“I always find the emails you send are exactly what I need to be reading and understanding at exactly that time! They help towards making some of my difficult decisions and precisely come at the time when i most need them. Thank you.”
Selina, London, UK

"Always Validating"

“Your messages never fail to make me think – always interesting, always thought provoking and most of all, always validating which is of endless worth to me.”Ziggy, Western Australia

"Skills to move forward"

” I thoroughly enjoy reading your emails, and always, get good things from them…affirmation, validation, understanding what has happened, and skills to move forward in a more positive light. Thank you, thank you!”
S. North Carolina

"Telling my story"

“Dear Danu, I continue to read your e mails and am amazed at how you seem to be telling me my own story. ” Amy

"I needed to hear it"

“On the day this email arrived, I really needed to hear it. You gave me words for my thoughts and feelings, and you made me realise it was okay to feel the way I did that day.” Carrie, Derby UK

"Reassuring, helpful, a blessing."

“Thanks so much for your notes. Reassuring, helpful, a blessing.” – Marlene

"Always suportive"

“Thank you for your always-supportive and insightful writings” T.A. Arizona

"Changing Everything"

“Once again, your email arrived with amazing timing, offering a message I needed to hear now, a re-framing that is already changing everything.” Suzanne, Washington D.C.

The Thrive Bundle

Over $200 worth of resources to help you
heal from your narcissistic upbringing
and thrive in your life

Immediate online access
90 day money back guarantee
Full Details Here

Or:

You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother

The best-selling, life-changing book, now substantially revised and extended.

How To Go No Contact Even When You Think You Can't

Check out my new resource which will hold your hand as it guides you through the possibility and -- if you so choose - the process of going No Contact in peace and power.

Click Here

Daughters With Narcissistic Mothers

We daughters with narcissistic mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived this cruel crazy-making lifestyle.

I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because – depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located – it can be so subtle that we don’t even realise we’re being abused.

As one Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother wrote so eloquently:

As different as [all daughters with narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.

It is an abnegation of the soul, and I’d argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.

It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.

(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)

I certainly didn’t know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, “What’s her problem?”

And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.

We just internalise the stress, and think it’s us that’s wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we’re crazy! Maybe not in as many words (although often, yes, in as many words), but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it’s effectively saying we’re crazy.

On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination – the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.

We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don’t know any better to realise that normally love doesn’t manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over, that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don’t – cannot – understand any of this, and that’s lonely too.

And we believe we love her because, well, that’s what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.

The heritage of being a Daughter with a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on – I’ve heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.

We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.

We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.

We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we’re never good enough, that we’re not acceptable, that at some deep down level we’re inherently flawed.

We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.

Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we’re not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.

We’re weary of our successes being dismissed as of absolutely no interest to them, or worse, even sneered at and undermined. And we’re equally fed up of our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.

We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we’re probably scared to own, or access, our own power – and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We’ve had years of being told we’re too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.

We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that’s with our family or with others.

We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.

We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.

We may have body issues – either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.

We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.

We may find that we’re still trying – in vain, of course – to get her approval, or to get her attention.

We may want to severely limit our contact with her, but aren’t sure how she will respond to that – will it make it worse for us? Or, even more, we might want to cut off all contact– but be worried and confused about the impact of that.

We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we’re attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn’t safe.

We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don’t deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don’t deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.

A lot of Daughters with Narcissistic Mothers also have huge difficulty saying nice things about themselves, or celebrating their own successes.

We no doubt have limiting beliefs. They vary from woman to woman but could be things like: It’s not safe to be successful, or, I have to be quiet and not cause any trouble.

The thing about these beliefs is that often they’re so deep down that we don’t even know they’re there – but they’re running, and often ruining, our lives. EFT is terrific for a) identifying and b) erasing these false and limiting beliefs.

We may feel the burden of keeping family secrets, and feel guilt and shame around those.

We are torn between cutting off all contact – but that’s such a big decision, with so many implications around her, and our wider family, and wider society too – and having to deal with her on a regular basis.

We doubt our own abilities to be mothers in our turn. It’s not surprising when we had no positive role-models. How do we even begin? Are we going to be the same kind of mother as she was?

And then, once we are mothers, we have to deal with our narcissistic mother as a grandmother. That brings a whole new heap of conflict and dilemma.

No wonder we wryly call NPD the gift that keeps on giving. But with the information and resources on this website, you can hand that gift right back and claim your own manifesto on being treated right.

How To Go No Contact Even When You Think You Can't

Check out my new resource which will hold your hand as it guides you through the possibility and -- if you so choose - the process of going No Contact in peace and power.

Click Here