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How To Deal With A Narcissist

If you're wondering how to deal with a narcissist, well ... the bad news is that it's not easy. Narcissists are notoriously difficult to deal with. Normal rules are suspended. With a narcissist it's always Opposite Day.

Deciding on the best way of dealing with a narcissistic mother depends on whether you still live with her or not.

If you still live with her, and you're too young to leave home, then it's very challenging. The best thing you can do, it seems to me, is to just accept her behaviour - you won't change it, you won't be able to reason with her, and trying to do so will only incur her narcissistic rage.

But while you're accepting it and just getting on, try to keep your head together. Don't buy into what she tells you about yourself. Don't believe her invalidation or gaslighting. If she's scapegoating you, know that's what's happening and again don't let it mess with your head. (If you're a Golden Child, same applies, but I doubt that a Golden Child would be reading this as Golden Children are often the last to realise there's a problem, if they ever do.)

The worst thing about being a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother, in my opinion, is the head-wreckingness of it, the believing it's us that's crazy. (Which is why I called my book You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother".)

Just bide your time, read as much as you can about narcissism, use the resources on this website and others - and plan your escape. Try to get a good education as your means of escaping well and thriving once you're gone. You can justifiably see studying and working hard as an act of rebellion and defense.

If you're living at home and are old enough to leave, then by all means leave. It's very possible that she's set things up so that this is very difficult, e.g. by keeping you emmeshed or financially dependent. Honestly, no matter what trap she has created, no matter how gilded the cage, it's not worth it. Start planning your escape. Create your own life.

If you're an adult woman living away from home, you may still have to deal with her.

You have three options:

  1. See her as usual. Just give up any hope of ever having a normal mother-daughter relationship with her. Try to be amused by her behaviour (they really are soooo predictable) rather than frustrated. Don't play her games. You may, or may not, look to set boundaries with her - and here's an EFT video about erasing the blocks to setting boundaries.

  2. Go what's called Low Contact. Severely limit the amount of time you spend with her. Make contact be on your terms. She may argue, or try to get over this - turning up uninvited etc, but you'll need to be firm. Somebody who has more experience than I in dealing with her narcissistic mother is writing a piece for me on this, and I will share it as soon as I have it.

  3. Go what's called No Contact, which is self-explanatory. This is a huge step, albeit very worthwhile, and I very much encourage you to read this section.

No matter which option you choose, you'll get benefit from the information and resources in the Narcissistic Parent Survival Kit.

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