Feeling Guilt
There are mixed emotions when we first realise that our mother has Narcissistic Personality
Disorder. There's a freedom and the absolute JOY of realising that it wasn't us, that we're
not mad/crazy. It's heady and exciting.
However, hot on the heels of that comes a feeling of guilt, that we should be thinking about our
mothers like that, or even worse, talking about her (if we're sharing this information with
friends/spouses etc, or talking on our forum).
I believe that a lot of the guilt come from our inbuilt Stockholm
Syndrome.
Our wise sister, Light (her username on the forum), has the following to say, which she has kindly agreed to let me
share here, for the benefit of all Daughters.
It's in answer to a comment raised on the forum by a new member sharing her feelings of guilt, hence some
references to that.
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At first [after realising your mother has NPD], many people have two "voices", if you
will - YOURS and HERS:
"She's mentally disordered, and I just KNEW there was something wrong...it ALL makes
perfect sense - she fits the diagnostic. The stuff I'm reading is ringing bells left
and right; it's like these women have been a fly on my wall all my life - no wonder
this and that happened, NO WONDER!!! What a sense of relief - I never knew - EVERYTHING
is changing in my head - I finally get why she did x, I finally know why she does y,
and I finally understand why she is such a vindictive, haughty, self-centered bully. I
GET it, I GET it, I FINALLY GET it..."
AND
"I'm a jerk. This is my MOTHER, and you only get one! I should work harder to help and
understand her - she'll get it eventually - she just has a lot of issues. Besides, I
haven't exactly been the perfect child. Who ditches their own MOTHER? She will be LIVID
if she finds out I've been thinking she has this - I'll be sca-rewed...there's gonna be
some serious payback for thinking this way and making changes.
She's gonna TRASH me, and I'll deserve it for being such an ungrateful daughter...how
dare I talk about her like this. I have no right, and of course, she'd be interminably
irate - she'll be perfectly justified in wanting to take revenge!"
It's as if your brain is one of those scales - the equal arm balance kind that works
like a see-saw. The first beliefs and feelings written above (yours) are on the right
side, and the second group of feelings and beliefs (hers) above are on the left.
Your brain now goes sifting through eeeeeeeeevery bit of eeeeeeeeverything that has
ever happened. Re-evaluating, discerning, questioning, etc.
"Is what she did last spring (or whenever) really this or that NPD thing? Let me think
about that one in the light of what I now know about N's..."
And you pick it up up off one side. Maybe it was something that happened at her
birthday party, or something she did when you needed her. Maybe that time you asked her
to do you an important favor, and she cared so little. Your brain will now "process"
this memory in light of the new information it has. And it will go through some "back
and forthing" on it, trying to determine which side you will now return it to - is the
side it was on the correct one? Should it be moved? Does it belong here or there? Were
you right or were you wrong? And you may feel very confused, as your mind is
dismantling its lifelong brainwashing, and that's NO small task.
That's where our forum works most of its magic. You can say things like, "Hey, let me
run this memory by you guys to see what YOU think about it". That is probably the most
common thing we do here, and it's absolutely miraculous how this process is able to
help ease people out of the brainwashing and into their OWN authentic thoughts and
feelings - whatever those may be. As DoNMs, our own feelings can be so foreign to us
that we're utterly clueless about our deepest needs and wants.
We've been programmed not to matter to ourselves.
You'll be staring at that item you've taken off the scale, and YOUR thoughts - your
deep inner-knowing - will be whispering to you... "This is the truth about that - you
were bullied, you were manipulated, etc.", but your mother has trained you thoroughly
to repress such thoughts and feelings, and, if that training doesn't keep the
brainwashing in check, the fear of her retribution will weigh in.
At first, you can't feel very much of your OWN true stuff - it's just all the guilt and
entrapment and fear and self-loathing she's put in your head. You might try to slow
down or push down some stuff.
Still, the inner knowing tries to break through, even though you're feeling confused
and challenged.
And with every new decision of yours that something belongs on YOUR side of the scale,
you realize that when it is moved, you must now grieve something - the way things are,
the devil you know, family members, get-togethers, the concept of having a mother,
etc.
(Everything you decide to move to the right will bring both freedom and a certain loss
you'll have to grieve.)
Bear in mind, largely, any grief will be temporary, and a free mind is both lifelong
and life-changing. People who go No Contact look back and think, "I am SO SO glad I got
out of that!"
Getting free of these people is a GREAT deal; it has done SO MUCH for me and so many
others I know that I rarely manage to shut up about it for very long.
Here on the forum, we are all daughters of narcissistic mothers. We know very well the
crap she put in your head, and we're in various stages of having removed these thoughts
ourselves, some of us have done years of work and have lots of very advanced wisdom to
share.
If you're a newbie, odds are that most of the women here will be ahead of you
chronologically in terms of processing and healing. That's a HUGE help. So when you
come here for a reality check, the sisters of the board will CLARIFY, VALIDATE AND
SUPPORT YOUR AUTHENTIC, ORIGINAL, PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. These must begin to
be acknowledged and nurtured if we are to heal and become our OWN people.
Narcissists' thoughts and feelings are warped, hurtful and enslaving. Our thoughts and
feelings, long neglected, despised and ridiculed, must come forward and be nurtured.
They are expressions of our true selves, not merely the by proxy reflections of a
mental disorder.
WE have been shoved down in the basement far too long.
And you have begun the process of discovering and nurturing yourself back into the
wholeness you were born with, and the greatness you are destined for. You might not
feel much like you're headed there, but you ARE. In light of that knowing, I will offer
you this...
You've been listening to your mother for your ENTIRE LIFE. Why not give someone else a
chance for at least just a little while?
You. |
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Here's another excellent essay by 'Light' on the same topic. One of our forum members said about looking for
resources to help her cope with keeping in touch with her mother, on the grounds that, "After all, she is my
mother". And Light answered her:
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Oh, my dear...
**Light pours a cup of tea and sits down with Survivor...**
Um...you have read that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an incurable mental
disorder, right?
Here's the situation. Your mother has NPD. It is a lifelong disorder that
renders her permanently incapable of proper empathy. It means she is not able to be
responsible for the emotional consequences of her actions. It means her unkindness
will always exist, and it will always be someone else's fault - like yours. Like
your father's. Like the man in the moon. As long as it's not hers. She'll always be
blame-free.
You have to make your own choices. No-one [on the forum] will tell you any
different. However, that said, you will get the opinions, wisdom and advice of the
amazing women here, who've seen it all. There are hundreds of women on this board,
all of whom have (or had) NPD mothers. That's a lot of people with direct personal
knowledge of NPD and what it takes to heal from being raised by a mother with
it.
So here's mine...
We were trained. Brainwashed. All of us. You, too. We have been conditioned,
like elephants at a circus, to believe WE are the ones responsible for fixing our
relationships with our mothers. (Remember above, where I said it always has to be
blamed on someone else? You, like the rest of us, have been believing that stuff.)
We think we have to learn what to do with her, we have to adjust our behavior - to
get her to see, to get her to change - if only we could unlock that secret code
that would make her cooperative, that would make her listen, that would make her
care...that would make her like a real mother.
It ain't gonna happen. If the problem COULD be fixed, it wouldn't be fixable by
YOU. Because, contrary to what your mother wants you to think, it isn't CAUSED by
you.
It's caused by NPD.
A disorder for which there is not one single documented cured case on planet
Earth.
YOU are not the problem. YOU are not the answer. YOU cannot fix this. YOU have
no control over your relationship with your NPD mother.
I should know. My mother is NPD as well, and though there are a lot of things I
am NOT good at, there is no-one in the universe who is better at fixing things than
I am. I'm a fixer. That's always been my work - I spent years fixing peoples'
problems, whether they've been mental, physical, academic, situational, or a
combination. You name it. I can fix anything - from a motor vehicle to a hurt
feeling, to a complicated word puzzle. I put a huge drill into a finger last year
and saw no need to go to the ER. I fixed it myself. Today, you can't even see the
scar. This is the kind of person I am. If I can't fix it, it flat out cannot be
fixed.
And after 38 years of trying, I could not fix my relationship with my
mother.
If you feel you have to keep trying, then you have to keep trying. Just promise
me this - don't waste one precious nano-second trying more than you absolutely have
to. Because every moment spent trying to teach that pig to sing is a moment of your
life you could have spent on singing yourself.
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